There are butterflies everywhere when I wake up today.
In bed, I sit and watch them swim inside the air outside my window. I have never seen so many. They are flying by in droves. Thank god for butterflies.
I lost my uncle not too long ago. He went the same way that my cousin and my grandfather went. That is to say, he took his own life. It seems to be the curse of men in my family, and all of us are left confused, eclipsed by tragedy. Searching for the piece to put back into place—the one that will make us whole again.
I’m glad for butterflies.
Last night I cried for a long while. I’m angry at how sad I am. And how hard grief becomes to bear. Last night, the only thing I wanted was for the day to end. I couldn’t wait to fall asleep and yet I sat for hours, delaying my own rest.
All if this is one big PSA to say that I’m not certain how this blog will carry on. It is one more obligation for me, and I am already failing at the ones I have. Posting here feels trivial, although I know it isn’t. It is such a rich community of shared stories and vibrance—but my mind is in no place to recognize that. Maybe, in a few months or a few years, I’ll find that. But now, I am too lost in my headspace.
I am, more so, lost in the sadness of a culture that does not recognize the grieving of its sons. As a woman, I will speak fiercely for the rights that I deserve and sometimes lack. As a sister, as a daughter, as a niece, I will speak fiercely for the men as well. Truly, I am saddened by the fact that we don’t give men the love and intimacy they deserve. That we reject their sadness, and their weaknesses. The other day someone told me that this wasn’t true, and that’s okay. I pray that they never have the knowledge of the hurts my family has gone through. Of the hurts the men have gone through.
As I pause to take the time to process through these traumatizing griefs, know that forever I will love each of you. From distance, yes, but love is strong like that. Know that this world is by far a better place with you in it. That if you are struggling with a will to live, I want you here. I am not a big person, and my love for you is not a lot, but it is something.
I woke up today to butterflies outside my window. There is still beauty to be seen. You have not done your living yet, and you still have much left to do. If you hurt, know that there is no hurt so great that violence is an answer. I hope you do not think that I am minimizing grief—because I know the feeling of a sadness so strong that it eclipses wills to live. But I am asking you, please stay. Let’s see this thing out, together.
The days are never easy, but that’s why we have each other. It’s why we have the butterflies outside our windows. Please friends, carry on. You are so beautiful for all your sadness.