I remember the back of my uncle’s head. The smell of the cigarette he smokes, wafting through the window. His red neck in the driver’s seat my knees brushed up against the back. Going somewhere, as a family.
I am starting to make promises to God and placing strange things that I find upon the floor into my mouth. A thumbtack, a button, a piece of yarn. I wish on them, and roll them all about beneath my tongue.
Where would I put my anger, if I had a place big enough for it?
All this rage, it seems to need its own room. Its own house. On some days, I can fit it in a handbag. On others, it swells into a thing too big for me to stow away. All this little girl anger. All this madness.
When I was young, I would eat paper. I’d tear the pieces of a magazine, a letter, a napkin. A newspaper in the kitchen. The See Jane Run book on my bedside table. My father would color in the books with little hidden spiders in black ink. I’d tear them out and eat them. Make the bad things go away.
I make origami birds and hang them from my ceiling. They are never any good, but they still count for wishes. I chew on their paper wings.
Somedays, the anger is too big. The shapes around me taking certain forms somedays the sadness is enough to make me sick. My heart not big enough for all the energy of grief—too great a space it takes inside my chest.
The only time I see them now is in my dreams. Sometimes, I get in bed and force myself to think of them, making wishes to the birds. It doesn’t always work but when it does, I always wake up crying.
I remember the back of my uncle’s head. Driving us places. Going somewhere, as a family. I don’t think that we’ll go anywhere again, now that he is gone. Not like we used to.
All this little girl anger
eating paper // chasing dreams.
the words
on her page
too did fill
me with rage
walking with
him
and feeling sorry
for me
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Love your words. Thank you ❤
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Haunting and almost lovely.
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Thank you friend.
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I think it’s beautiful the way you let those healing words flow out of you, Shayleene. Keep chasing them down. xo
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Ahh thank you. It is so healing. I really appreciate your ability to understand that. Thank you for taking the time to share your words ❤
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In other news, I received a Blogger Award and I am paying it forward because I want to say thank you for making my world a better place.
Don’t feel pressured to create your own post. Just know that you are deeply appreciated …
‘Blogger Recognition Award’
https://jezfarmerblog.wordpress.com/2020/01/30/blogger-recognition-award-with-thanks-to-horty-rexarch/
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Praying for healing! May you find peace.
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Thank you friend. Both grief and peace come to me in waves, which keeps my heart open to receiving things from others. I am staying steady ❤
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You’re welcome. Wonderful, that you are staying steady! Life is sometimes an ebb and flow!
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Yes it is! Have a good tomorrow ❤
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Thanks!
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I can relate to the waves, grief and peace. It’s good that our hearts stay open to receiving. My prayers for you are now added to my list.
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❤
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I relate to this so much. Wonderfully written!
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Thank you! I am glad it resonated with you. Be well ❤
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I’ve been thinking about anger a lot lately. More specifically, I’ve been wondering how I might be able to express anger healthily. The internet self-help gurus often talk about just letting anger go in their list posts, but that’s one of the worst things you can say…it’s equivalent to telling someone with depression to just be happy. I suppose I could try eating paper, as I used to find glue quite tasty. Also lead paint…
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No lead paint! lol. And yes, I find a lot of people quite concerned with my emotions. But there is something so soothing in being able to express ourselves in a raw and powerfully natural way. You write about this often and I admire it. There is so much healing in that. Letting go too quickly can have painful results. Good vibes to you, friend ❤
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You’re right, mercury tastes better than lead paint 😛
It is nice to be able to be ‘real’ with people, possibly because we have to constantly play games to function in the professional world. The deception quickly becomes tiresome, and it’s important to have people around whom we can drop our guards.
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I feel that so much lol. It’s hard, but you’ll find your balance. And trust me, all the best people appreciate some quirks–you just have to find the right level of weirdness.
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Shaylee, I’m happy to discover your writing. Your voice is original, your imagery potent. I like this question: “Where would I put my anger, if I had a place big enough for it?” I encourage you to enter Wow Women On Writing quarterly contests. Their website is a great resource, too. On the subject of grief, you might like my Feb. 2019 post, “The Geometry of Grief.”
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I will be certain to check it out! Thank you for sharing. I love that idea–the geometry of grief. Looking forward to reading ❤
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Powerful. However, I would think carefully about describing the anger as “little girl anger”. I have a feeling the anger is justified and raw, and describing it as a child’s could diminish it in some way. Just my opinion, anyway. Hope you don’t mind.
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Ditto, “madness”. Consider original words that evoke rage, destruction, and similar.
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Very poignant. Thank you for your words ❤
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WOW, this is powerful…well-written. I also liked your About. Thanks for visiting my blog–blessings to you.
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Thank you for sharing! It was a pleasure to read your work ❤
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You are welcome, and thank you 🙂
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Super writing, Shayleene. I admire the way you link the disparate concepts of eating paper, and making good luck cranes, and the hidden spiders, and make them all into a unity where the emotion is consistent and powerful.
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Reblogged this on Write and Create (from Creative Writing Course).
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So much anger
I’ve heard…
there’s nowhere to put it.
I don’t know that experience
so I have to try harder
And then, a thought…
Maybe there is something
something I can do…
to help
to contribute…
I can take it
Give it to me!
Give me your anger Woman!
Give me your anger!
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