Well, I’m an alcoholic. Not that I’ve been hiding from it everyone who knows me knows my truths.
But, I’m an alcoholic searching for that very thing. We walk in mountains. In AA classes, I learn about the higher powers and the things like prayer and all of intimacy makes me cringe. My brothers go with me, and that makes all things better.
I don’t post often on my blog, because usually, when I get home from work, I’m drinking. Travel? Lol. Only if I’m sober enough for driving, which is rarely. Today, I talked my sister into hiking. This is rare. I almost never see the out of doors. Isn’t my dog the best? Wouldn’t it be nice if I could get my shit together?
It would be nice to feel clean. Those of you who do, what is that like?
Even as I write this, I hope my boyfriend will forgive me. For falling asleep too early. For drunk adventures far before the hour of 8. I’m working on this memoir, and it makes my head feel every sort of sadness. I’m learning how to cope with the memories that haunt me–just not in all the right ways. On my floor, passed out, I can’t recall what living’s like. I don’t remember love.
Tomorrow, I will hike. Remind me. Tomorrow, I will hike. I will be better. I will saturate my life in freshness; be better than I was before. Tomorrow, I’ll take it a step at a time.
But for tonight, I’ve ruined all the little things that matter. Tonight, I feel the things like shame. Tonight, vulnerability seeps just at the surface.
What is it about our world that demands such vibrant escapes? Why am I not happy with the way my life portrays itself? Why do we demonstrate so little kindness? I find it hard to be a human here. We’re all a sad lot.
I do love you, each of you, in turn. But, sometimes, living hurts. And I find it far too much for me to bear.
Edit: thanks for all the love! I had too much wine and posted something super vulnerable and I’m not sure how I feel about it but hey–here’s for transparency.